I have often had strange and unwanted companions in the face of beautiful break through and ‘dreams come true’ moments. Suffering and Unknown have been there too. In the face of scary diagnosis or unknown salary or saying goodbye to family and dearest of friends or emptying my hands of all that I know so that I am open handed for all that is before.
Today I was thinking about all of that…how they are always or often there and how every time I wish them not to be, but they remain. The unwanted companions who have pulled up a seat at big moments in my life. I can remember saying, “I would be perfectly happy if you weren’t here.” And they don’t budge. Ugh.
I have been thinking a lot about them the last couple weeks, because Daddy keeps urging me to be happy and I say, “I would be if those guys weren’t around.” But they just stay. And don’t respond or move despite my prayers and wishing. They remain.
So, today I took another step toward making peace with them. I took hold of each of their hands and finally welcomed them to my table- they have sat there for at least 14 years. I even felt a genuine gladness that they remained despite my unwelcome…they had the power of God to remain. The permission of God to remain. They were sent by Him to stay with me, to walk with me in all these moments. I understand. Oh, the bravest of Love was giving me company I did not want but needed desperately.
Suffering has given me perspective.
Unknown has given me faith.
Suffering has given me a ladder to climb right out of this world and to see- to really see all that matters. That perspective has guided me through 1000 decisions of which way to go and what to choose, and led me to pursue what really matters. I knew what matters, because I could see it- it was sitting right there at my table.
Unknown has led me to the secret place where my Father awaited me and whispered in my ear and lifted me right out of this world. He showed me what could be, what should be, and then I believed- it would be. Faith.
Today- in this brave and clarifying moment- I can say that I am glad you are here and I know you likely always will be. Suffering and Unknown are the dust of earth- it is what we are made of. It will remain until the earth is no more…
Then we will no longer hurt and no longer wonder,
we will be held and we will see Love’s face.
Until then…suffering and unknown will give us a reason to seek Him through the dust of now.