How to do hard- Surrender

Desires can become a binding burden, too heavy...sometimes I need to let go. I have told women for many years that if there is something or someone that you cannot 'let go' of then you have found your idol.  Time to open your hands and surrender.  I have found myself in need of this practice a lot lately, most recently in March. So I wrote all my desires onto a little piece of paper and burned them in a fire pit, surrendering them to God.  They turned quickly to ashes, so quickly that I was amazed at how much power those ashes had held in my heart. Watching them turn to dust was a stunning picture of how fragile they all were, and how quickly they can go away.  Then I realized that everything and everyone that I loved on that paper were also ashes- all of it.  All of them.

Nothing could survive the fire, except for One and He remains always. He came through the flames.  He is other.  Eternal. Un-created One.

It was crystal clear again why my worship is for Him only, the only ONE worthy of my loyalty.  He alone endures.  He alone satisfies. The Only One to always hang on to, to 'white knuckle.'

The ashes (my desires) lost their power over me for one beautiful moment. I saw again, or maybe for the first time, how I cannot hold them together.  I cannot keep them.  I can only surrender them into the hands of the One who remains.

Every thing around me faded to beautiful ashes, precious to enjoy but powerless to hold me.  It was a "Matrix" (the Movie) moment of clarity that allowed me to see what was real, and I understood more of how Jesus endured the cross.  I was so exhilarated by this new perspective that I naively wondered if Satan, King of Ashes, could ever hold sway over me again.

Then I felt a hunger pang.

And I was hurled back to reality and collapsed against the undeniable rules of ashes.  I am bound to them.  I am ashes.  I cannot keep myself alive. Gravity binds these ashes to this earth.  I can't fly.  I can't leave all the emotions that accompany these ashes.  I am bound to them.  I. am. ashes.  All the rules of dust apply to me.

The Condemned Prince, the King of Ashes still holds sway and power over all that is dust.  He, however holds no power over the territory won by the blood of Jesus, and that would be my heart and my soul and all that is eternal.  King of Ashes holds no power over the stuff that lives for eternity.  That is why Jesus told me not to fear the one who could destroy the body, the one who could destroy ashes.  There really is no real power there, and it isn't even terribly impressive.  Jesus said to fear instead the ONE who could destroy the soul....and wow, that all just made perfect sense.

Then I realized what day it was, the day that I burned my pile of ashes was Good Friday.  Gulp.  Jesus, Uncreated One, who took on flesh laid still and allowed the Condemned Prince to destroy the only thing he has permission to touch, flesh.  Jesus also felt the rules of flesh as it was torn open and the emotions and anguish of betrayal tormented his soul.

And as he hung suspended over gravity- he transcended it.  He forgave us for not understanding this reality.  He overcame.  Then he died for all the ashes, all of it, all of them, all of us.

He counted all those people and all those desires written on my piece of paper precious enough to die in their place, to make a way of escape from this dusty planet and the King of Ashes.  He blew the way to heaven open.

I realized that my little scrap piece of paper written full of desires was precious to him too.  My ashes were surrendered into his hands.  My ashes are held by holy.

Happy Wedding Day Isaac!

 This is a small portion of the letter that I wrote to my son on the day he proposed, I meant every word and sealed it with our 'mother-son' dance on his beautiful wedding day.  What an amazing ride.  I love being a mom!

Dear Isaac Shannon McCready-

When I first ‘met’ you all I could see was red hair…amazing to me.  It was a wonder to see you on the outside, to hear your cry, and to see your red hair.  It was instantly a treasure to me.

When I held you, I met your love of being close inside an embrace.  When I placed you in your crib I met your passion, your anger, your refusal to submit to a life without the embrace.  So I submitted for 2 years allowing you to hold my thumb until you fell asleep…on July 4th, 1996- your independence day.

I met your empathetic heart when you were 6 months old.  I was holding you near a dear friend whose heart was broken, she knelt over and wept, you took your little hand and touched her shoulder to comfort her.

I met your love of music when you were 18 months old, it was Christmas time and we were driving around listening to music and looking at lights.  You were in the back in your car seat when you said, “mommy, this music makes me sad.”  I was amazed, again.

I met your mad hops when you learned to walk which quickly became jumping around everywhere, all the time.

Then you became a little boy…and you didn’t like it when I told you ‘no’.  You wanted to find a way around the “no”.  I remember sitting with you and telling you I saw the ‘little man’ that was in there trying to come out and that I welcomed him, but I needed to let him know that he was a little early and I needed him to still let me lead him for a few more years.  I taught you about meekness and horse reigns for the first time.  Your heart was soft….even when your siblings didn’t respect your super powers.

I met your love of friends when you played baseball and your favorite thing was the dugout with the snacks…which we forever dubbed the ‘dugout’ factor.....

and so many more treasured moments.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife…”  I remember when you were still in my womb and it had been 9 months and we had only known each other, I remember realizing it was time to share you with the world.  My womb was too small for you and we were both growing uncomfortable, it was time for you to enter the world.  It feels the same now.  You need more room to grow and stretch and continue to become.  It is time to push.

We are right here.  Your family tree.  We come from a strong trunk of a hundred years of faithfulness to God. We are drinking in the richness of God’s favor and blessing from generations of Godly men praying for their families and Godly women raising their children.  We are right here as you birth a new branch.  Remember who you are and where you are from, but more than that remember the strength of God and your passionate love for Him. Remember 6:33 every day, and pour your life out for the Kingdom of God.

And now Isaac Shannon McCready- the ‘little man’ has become an all grown up one and I see you and I welcome you!  I know you and hold the memories of all your becoming. You are a prince among men, you have the calling of a King. You will always lead, so lead well.  Lead with the deep love that pulses in your heart and has since you were 6 months old.  Lead with the curiosity that touches and learns and discovers and presses out into new and different, unafraid and unrestrained by anything but God. Lead with mad hops- always dance and leap in your journey with the feet of faith and not fear. Lead with the companionship of your dugout friends who will stay close and care about you more than then game.  Lead with brilliance and excellence and express all that you see the way you see it.  Lead with laughter Isaac, the laugh that comes from faith in a God who holds the universe in his hands.  You know Him.  He’s got you.  Laugh.

And I will be right here, meeting you in new ways and loving you every day as long as I have breath. Thank you for teaching me how to parent, and for the great honor of being your mommy.

I love you forever, I’ll like you for always.

How to do hard- The Unknown

The GPS said our turn was 1 mile ahead.  My 15 year old son was driving down the highway, “Mom- isn’t it cool that you can see for a mile.  I think I could run a mile easier if I could see the finish line the whole way.”  I agreed.  I think it is easier to endure when you can see how long you have left, thus the proverbial ‘light at the end of the tunnel’.  I believe it is because of the way we access our pace, provision, and strength to make it to the finish.  When we see where we are headed there is a clear ‘finish line’ and a sense of closure and it may even all make sense- whether it is a literal race or a project or an emotional climb or battle of some kind - and even if it doesn’t all make sense, at least it will be over soon.

Unknown is hard.  When you are running and you don’t know where you are going or when it will be over. When you don’t know what happens next, at all- ever, for months and months on end.  Unknown is hard. 

I have thought a lot about this part of ‘hard’ over the last year.  Our most recent missional assignment has required a long, long walk into the unknown.  Like Abraham, we were called to leave even though we didn’t know where we were going.  What is it about ‘knowing’ that is so comforting?  Why do we want it so much?  What will knowing provide for us?  What will knowing change? 

We are a people who want to KNOW, and indeed we are the most informed people in history equipped with our own ‘news feed’ inside our pockets.  It is strange.  Knowing things is held up and valued in our culture although we can’t do much about a great deal of what we know, still we want to know.  Like Eve.  She wanted to know too.  She chose to eat from the only forbidden tree in the garden, the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  She ate.  Then she knew. 

In learning how to endure the unknown I have had to surrender the lust to know.  I have had to learn how to monitor my strength not based on a finish line, but by locking eyes with only ONE who knows where we are going.  I have to see the unseen more than the fog around me, or the ‘black hole’ as I call it.  That black hole of unknown has a gravitational pull and if I even glance at it I am sucked into it and spun mercilessly into despair.  God always tells me to ignore the unknown, don’t even look at it.  (Matt. 6:34)

I have had to say to my own children on dozens of occasions this year, with tears pouring from both of us, “I believe that God is leading us in his loving kindness.  I believe he is good, and big, and that He loves us. Because of that belief, I ask you to press on with me through this ‘hard’ and ‘darkness’ and ‘loneliness’, because I believe that God is leading us to a good, big, and loving place.”  When they are so tired and I am so tired and just want to stop.  My faith in the God who knows enables me to pull my children to their feet and ask them to press on into the unknown.  Teaching them to lock their eyes of faith onto the character of God.

That is how those who hope in the Lord can renew their strength to soar on wings like eagles, to run and not grow weary, and to walk and not grow faint (Isaiah 40:31).  By surrendering our lust to know we are no longer locking our eyes on a finish line, but on a Friend.  

Companions

I have often had strange and unwanted companions in the face of beautiful break through and ‘dreams come true’ moments.  Suffering and Unknown have been there too.  In the face of scary diagnosis or unknown salary or saying goodbye to family and dearest of friends or emptying my hands of all that I know so that I am open handed for all that is before.

Today I was thinking about all of that…how they are always or often there and how every time I wish them not to be, but they remain.  The unwanted companions who have pulled up a seat at big moments in my life.  I can remember saying, “I would be perfectly happy if you weren’t here.”  And they don’t budge. Ugh.

I have been thinking a lot about them the last couple weeks, because Daddy keeps urging me to be happy and I say, “I would be if those guys weren’t around.”  But they just stay.  And don’t respond or move despite my prayers and wishing.  They remain.

So, today I took another step toward making peace with them. I took hold of each of their hands and finally welcomed them to my table- they have sat there for at least 14 years.  I even felt a genuine gladness that they remained despite my unwelcome…they had the power of God to remain. The permission of God to remain.  They were sent by Him to stay with me, to walk with me in all these moments.  I understand.  Oh, the bravest of Love was giving me company I did not want but needed desperately.

Suffering has given me perspective.

Unknown has given me faith.

Suffering has given me a ladder to climb right out of this world and to see- to really see all that matters. That perspective has guided me through 1000 decisions of which way to go and what to choose, and led me to pursue what really matters.  I knew what matters, because I could see it- it was sitting right there at my table.

Unknown has led me to the secret place where my Father awaited me and whispered in my ear and lifted me right out of this world.  He showed me what could be, what should be, and then I believed- it would be.  Faith.

Today- in this brave and clarifying moment- I can say that I am glad you are here and I know you likely always will be.  Suffering and Unknown are the dust of earth- it is what we are made of. It will remain until the earth is no more…

Then we will no longer hurt and no longer wonder,

we will be held and we will see Love’s face.

Until then…suffering and unknown will give us a reason to seek Him through the dust of now.