Desires can become a binding burden, too heavy...sometimes I need to let go. I have told women for many years that if there is something or someone that you cannot 'let go' of then you have found your idol. Time to open your hands and surrender. I have found myself in need of this practice a lot lately, most recently in March. So I wrote all my desires onto a little piece of paper and burned them in a fire pit, surrendering them to God. They turned quickly to ashes, so quickly that I was amazed at how much power those ashes had held in my heart. Watching them turn to dust was a stunning picture of how fragile they all were, and how quickly they can go away. Then I realized that everything and everyone that I loved on that paper were also ashes- all of it. All of them.
Nothing could survive the fire, except for One and He remains always. He came through the flames. He is other. Eternal. Un-created One.
It was crystal clear again why my worship is for Him only, the only ONE worthy of my loyalty. He alone endures. He alone satisfies. The Only One to always hang on to, to 'white knuckle.'
The ashes (my desires) lost their power over me for one beautiful moment. I saw again, or maybe for the first time, how I cannot hold them together. I cannot keep them. I can only surrender them into the hands of the One who remains.
Every thing around me faded to beautiful ashes, precious to enjoy but powerless to hold me. It was a "Matrix" (the Movie) moment of clarity that allowed me to see what was real, and I understood more of how Jesus endured the cross. I was so exhilarated by this new perspective that I naively wondered if Satan, King of Ashes, could ever hold sway over me again.
Then I felt a hunger pang.
And I was hurled back to reality and collapsed against the undeniable rules of ashes. I am bound to them. I am ashes. I cannot keep myself alive. Gravity binds these ashes to this earth. I can't fly. I can't leave all the emotions that accompany these ashes. I am bound to them. I. am. ashes. All the rules of dust apply to me.
The Condemned Prince, the King of Ashes still holds sway and power over all that is dust. He, however holds no power over the territory won by the blood of Jesus, and that would be my heart and my soul and all that is eternal. King of Ashes holds no power over the stuff that lives for eternity. That is why Jesus told me not to fear the one who could destroy the body, the one who could destroy ashes. There really is no real power there, and it isn't even terribly impressive. Jesus said to fear instead the ONE who could destroy the soul....and wow, that all just made perfect sense.
Then I realized what day it was, the day that I burned my pile of ashes was Good Friday. Gulp. Jesus, Uncreated One, who took on flesh laid still and allowed the Condemned Prince to destroy the only thing he has permission to touch, flesh. Jesus also felt the rules of flesh as it was torn open and the emotions and anguish of betrayal tormented his soul.
And as he hung suspended over gravity- he transcended it. He forgave us for not understanding this reality. He overcame. Then he died for all the ashes, all of it, all of them, all of us.
He counted all those people and all those desires written on my piece of paper precious enough to die in their place, to make a way of escape from this dusty planet and the King of Ashes. He blew the way to heaven open.
I realized that my little scrap piece of paper written full of desires was precious to him too. My ashes were surrendered into his hands. My ashes are held by holy.